How to have better conversations

Journalist Charles Duhigg and researcher Michael Yeomans on how to become a better communicator

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Episode #262 of Speaking of Psychology

“One of the most powerful ways to encourage receptiveness in others is to be receptive yourself.”
–Michael Yeomans

Quick Summary

What is it that makes some conversations feel so natural and others so difficult? Kim Mills of the American Psychological Association’s Speaking of Psychology podcast talks to journalist Charles Duhigg and behavioral science researcher Michael Yeomans all about communication: how anyone and everyone can learn to communicate better, what different types of conversations exist, and how to disagree more productively.

You can catch the complete episode (48 minutes) on Spotify.

Key Takeaways

• Good communication is all about listening and speaking in a way that makes other people feel heard and understood. “Supercommunicators” are masters of this. They’re able to empathize and articulate their thoughts clearly so it’s easy for others to engage with them. They also understand how to adapt their communication style to different situations.

  • According to Charles, exceptional communication skills aren’t necessarily an innate trait. Anyone can improve their communication skills through learning and practice.

• You can categorize conversations into three buckets: practical, emotional, and social. Understanding the differences between each type—and how to better participate in them—can improve your conversations.

  • Practical conversations are functional. They usually revolve around making a decision or solving a problem, like what to have for dinner or how to plan next month’s budget. Emotional conversations are all about sharing feelings—for instance, when someone expresses their worries or vents their frustrations. Finally, in social conversations, someone talks about their identity, background, and/or experiences. This could be when you’re meeting someone for the first time or hearing about your friend’s upcoming holiday plans.

  • As you move through different topics, the type of conversation you’re having can fluctuate. For example, a social conversation where someone shares about difficult experiences could evolve into a more emotional conversation. Good communicators recognize these shifts and adapt accordingly. A big part of this involves listening and paying attention to your conversation partner.

• “Deep” questions foster vulnerability, which can in turn, build stronger relationships. What makes a question “deep”? These are questions that prompt discussion of someone’s values, beliefs, or experiences.

  • Note that deep questions don’t require getting overly personal. For instance, if you’ve asked someone what they do for work, a deep follow-up might be “What made you go into that line of work?” (Consider the alternative, a not-so-deep follow-up like “What part of town is your office in?”) Or, if you’ve already asked about where someone lives, you could follow up with “What’s your favorite thing about your neighborhood?”

  • Related: You might’ve come across the New York Times’ viral “36 Questions That Lead to Love” essay from 2015. The list of questions comes from psychologist Arthur Aron’s work on understanding close relationships, where pairs of strangers asked one another increasingly personal questions. A few examples of those questions: For what in your life do you feel most grateful? What is your most treasured memory? When did you last cry in front of another person? After going through these questions, the strangers reported feeling closer to their conversation partner than people whose conversation revolved around small talk.

• How to be a better conversation partner: Over the course of their conversation, Charles and Michael offer these five tips for stronger communication.

  • Pay attention to non-linguistic cues. For example, where is someone looking as they speak? Are they frowning or laughing? Expressions and tone of voice are helpful signals for how your conversation partner might be feeling, which you can then use to adjust your own responses.

  • Ask meaningful follow-up questions. Follow-up questions demonstrate active listening and build rapport—they’re proof that you didn’t just zone out while someone was talking. And for anyone who might find silence uncomfortable, they also keep conversations going.

  • Avoid “boomerasking.” A boomerask is basically an insincere question asked for the purpose of bragging or redirecting the conversation to oneself. For example, imagine a coworker who asks about your recent performance review because they want to talk about their own promotion. Boomerasking is a disingenuous way of communicating, and people can catch onto it easily.

  • If you disagree with someone, practice “conversational receptiveness.” Rather than trying to persuade someone they’re wrong, look for points of agreement. Show humility. “One of the most powerful ways to encourage receptiveness in others is to be receptive yourself,” Michael explains. “It improves other people's view of us and also all of our counterparts. We can actually create microcultures of respect and trust simply by making that choice ourself.”

  • Similarly, try “looping for understanding.” Charles recommends this technique to de-escalate conflict. It involves repeating what your conversation partner has said in your own words and asking if you got it right. By doing so, you demonstrate you’ve been listening and can also correct potential misunderstandings.

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